I am hot. Not H-O-T - hot, but hot under the collar, steamed, spicy, on fire.
Sometimes I have these moments that it really hits me that my daughter has cancer. Leukemia sounds so much better, less threatening, however they talk around here like she has cancer. Whatever the crap that means. Anyway, often in my head I validate it by repeating, "Emma has cancer." "My daughter has cancer." "Remember you've heard of cancer, you have it."
I know we are not the first to experience these things, but I really feel ripped off.
Right now Emma has a sore on her bottom the size of Grenada (you know a small country). This is something she should have to experience only at an older age and only after she's pushed a small, living human being out of her (which won't happen anyway). Do I sound bitter? I feel bitter. I am bitter.
I feel like hitting something. Maybe tomorrow I should go work out at the Jewish Community Center (free membership to all parents who have a kid with cancer). If only my legs would work after sleeping on this dam (ha, ha I spelled it wrong, doesn't count) faux leather couch. Has it only been two nights here? For the love!
Right now Emma is getting chemo called Methotrexate (google that one). It is bright yellow and makes her pee look like limeade. I will never drink limeade again... ever! She has to pee this out every two hours. It is toxic. She gets drops put in her eyes every three hours. You know, because the drugs could make her go blind. Nothing big. Stop the Madness!
I could go on and on because this was not my plan.
Did you know He talks to me even when I'm angry? He loves me and has a greater plan.
I will trust. It's soooooooo (remember when we wrote "so" like that in jr. high? ex. I like you sooooooo much) hard. H-A-R-D, hard!
The greater plan He has for me... I don't know, but I know Him, and that's enough.
Of this I testify.
Goodnight (or is it morning?).
-Lana
Ps. HUGE thanks for loving my babies while I'm gone. Oh how I miss.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
HOT
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10 comments:
Oh Lana, you are a tough one. I'll call you and see when a good time to come visit is. I'm sorry you, Emma and the whole crew have to go through this. I admire your strength and testimony.
You make me laugh, you make me cry. For the love is right!
I could say something like don't worry, things will get better. You're not alone.
But you already know that.
And the fact of the matter is, it stinks! I would be H-O-T, too! What a rotten thing to have to go through.
Hey...at least it's not Monday and you're still just anticipating the long week ahead. Two days down!
Emma is a champ! And you have about a bazillion people who love you and are praying for you, Emma, and your family!
Now go work off some of that anger at the Jewish Community Center. (Maybe they have a punching bag!) Run, run, run....and then run some more!
You are amazing...truly.
You're amazing Lana. And so is Emma. Never forget that.
Lana,
Oh I wish I could just take this from you somehow. I would be H-O-T too, and weak and bitter and pissed off. Then I would have no choice but to cry UNCLE and get on my knees and tell HIM It is in His hands because I am losing my mind. ( It's what I did when my Mom had the big C ) We are all praying for you and Emma often - like alot- and I will gladly be your punching bag girl- whatever it takes. If there is any way we can help with this fight, just say the word. You are NEVER alone. Your ARMY of friends and family are here ,as are all the angels looking in on Miss Emma!
Love ya!!!!!!!!!!
mare
Oh Lana, love that you still have your sense of humor (like you could ever lose it?) I can't imagine but I think those would be my thoughts exactly. Hang in there, we are praying day and night!
Hope your getting some sleep on that dam (ha!)couch and keeping yourself somewhat entertained, we miss you love you both!
Your so strong! I'm sorry you've been having a hard time! Just know we love and miss you both here! I pray for you every night! Kudos to you for just being you through all of this and Emma too! IT was so great to see her and i love that she still her little self! I love you don't give up! miss you!
-Shelby Ann
Where are you? Did you fall off the face of the earth, or did you lose your charger again?
Oh Lana, I wish I had something super wise to say that would make you feel better. We are all praying for you and Emma. Heavenly Father loves you and is just refining you. Sorry it sucks!! (Do you have that story?) I will find it and get it to you.
Oh Banana's...I am sooooooo sorry! You both are such amazing people with such strong spirits. The Big Man upstairs must have some serious faith in both of you! He is proud and he is cheering you on right now. Thank you for the update and good luck! Please, please, please call me if you need anything! We love you and are praying hard! Thank you for your faith it strengthens me, you truly are an example. Heavenly Father is proud!
Noah found a great big bone outside today and asked if he could give it to Emma because he was sure that a bone that big must have lots of marrow in it! Our family is still thinking about you and praying for you often. Keep believing. Love you.
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